To Kiss or Not to Kiss?

The French often kiss each other on the cheek instead of shaking hands. This is called giving “la bise” and is practiced by almost everyone in particular social interactions.

Kissing as a form of greeting is the cause for much confusion and no small amount of anxiety for Americans. The angst is reminiscent of the teenage embarrassment over the real French kissing, there is a lot of self-doubt, false starts and mustering of courage involved.

Unlike French kissing, giving these cheeky greetings has no romantic overtones. It is, however, a sign of friendship or at least affability. Less engaged than a full-body hug and yet more intimate than a distant wave hello, I find myself missing la bise when forced through the cold formality of anglo greetings.

In France, men kiss women, women kiss everyone and even close male friends can be seen in the streets kissing away. These aren't slobbery kisses, giving bises is more of a cheek press than kissing and a smooching noise can help you figure out the timing of the interaction.

To “faire la bise” you press your cheek to another person’s and then alternate to the other cheek, all the while saying "bonjour" or "au revoir." The number of times you alternate cheeks depends on where you live in France. In Paris people give two kisses, in the North they do three, and some French wait around for four cheek smacks. The direction depends on the region as well, which can result in much head ducking from right to left on the part of an ignorant American trying to figure out where you should be aiming.

The kissing self-doubt really kicks in as a result of the when, where and with whom questions. Is it more of a faux pas to kiss, or not to kiss?

The problem is exacerbated at work where there are the added elements of hierarchy and formality. Since la bise is a sign of friendship, you are not obliged to kiss all of your colleagues. Most French never kiss their boss and instead shake hands to say hello. However, since many people do make friends at work they salute them with a kiss at the office. This means friendships can be uncomfortably transparent and la bise can lead to a sense of insecurity on my part, why doesn't she kiss me like she does Agnes??

Here's an example of how complicated the work bise can get. When I first arrived at work I gave no one kisses and no one offered to do so to me. This has more or less continued similarly except for a few interns I know who work in another division. When I encountered someone from my own department in the street I ran into a conundrum; I had never given him la bise at work, but was obliged to go cheek-to-cheek with his friends. One of the golden rules of la bise is that you must give people your age kisses when you meet in a social setting. So I was faced with two options that canceled each other out; on one side it could be seen as jumping the gun on our friendship since we had never given each other bises before, on the other I risked being rude by not acknowledging him in the same way as his friends. I decided it would be best to kiss him as well. Interestingly, after we had seen each other outside of work, the bise followed us back to the office where it has remained ever since.

There are a few rules to follow that can ease the expat’s social and work life and lessen the discomfort with the bise. This very funny and cute film posted by Karambolage helps illustrates some of these rules. It explains to the French how difficult this greeting can be for their German neighbors (though the clip is just as relevant for anyone else unfamiliar with la bise).

Though such rules are helpful many of them have grey areas because the French often go by instinct. When in doubt, I usually wait for the other person to offer their cheek to avoid being too forward. But as giving la bise is very infectious I often find myself sticking out my cheek too often. I have tried several times to give la bise after lunch since I normally do not see my friends again. For me we are saying goodbye for the day. But when I do so they laugh and shake their heads at me. No no no they say, we have to wait until we leave work to kiss goodbye. Such late in the day encounters never happen, but they hold to the principle. Even in the country that is known for "the French kiss" there are limits. You kiss once upon arriving, once upon leaving. No more. Right, so if I want to give more bises, I'll have to make more friends.

Here are some rules taken from the Karambolage link above :

When you should opt for la bise instead of a handshake:

1. When you see people you know in social settings.

2. When you see friends at work for the first time in the day; this depends on the relationship you have with your co-workers and if you consider yourself friends or not.

3. You must always kiss everyone when you arrive at a friend’s house. This can result in a time consuming tour of all the cheeks at a party. You also get to repeat the tour just before you leave to say goodbye!

Who should you give la bise to?

1. You usually kiss close friends, family members, and people of your same age.

2. If someone is much older than you it is best to wait for them to offer their cheek.

3. You never give la bise to your boss. You shake hands. (Give one firm up and down pump. The French do not give long wiggly handshakes.)

4. Men can kiss but usually only when they are longtime friends or if they are in the same family.

5. All children give bises as a form of greeting / goodbye.

Other things to consider:

Goodbye – The bise is not just for hello but for goodbye as well, but you only get to do one hello and one goodbye a day. If you normally give bises on arrival you should do it again before you leave (the exception is at work where you can leave without doing so).

Social class – The more bourgeois you are the fewer number of kisses you give so generally the elite give two.

When given a gift – Women tend to say “thank you” for a gift or a very nice favor with kisses of the same number as the customary bise of the region. A man will do the same when a woman has given a gift to him.

Before going to sleep – Before children go to sleep they are given “bises” by their parents since sleepy time is a short goodbye.